Yet there was a parallax, between the two lovers, one that kept them from coalescing their mutual desires into reality. Alta, the tender-footed companion, fearful she would be blotted out of recognition by the sheer force of her lover Lawrence’s rising star in Academia, kept a piece of her heart locked away from him. But as it is often in nature, the very aspect that kept Alta from giving herself completely to Lawrence was also what drove her towards him with the force of a powerful stellar wind…creating a region of hot gas where the outflows of their passions could collide. This wind collision zone, created by the sheer force of Lawrence’s presence acting on her, wrapped around Alta, ripening her curves and superheating her soul’s passions until she felt almost eclipsed by the sheer power of her desires for him.
Lawrence, on the other hand, knew only of how perfect Alta was for him. She was the complement to his oft-arrogant aggressiveness—the salve to his need to be brighter and more massive in presence than the other academics in the department at the University. He knew that it had always been Alta’s gentleness and unique perceptions that gave him hope and brought him out of his head, where he had built huge towers to the stars that he loved… and that with her he was not—alone—anymore.
As time passed, Alta grew more fearful as Lawrence began to gain more and more momentum driving forward to the success he felt was his rite. She feared, being just a novice herself and still just acquiring the knowledge that he had gained years before, that she would be swallowed up and absorbed into his massive core. From her perch, she could see how his mind would spend more and more hours in the tower of his own construction and how he would often get dark and distant to her when lost in the calculations and simulations of his mind. Alta did not think she could bear to lose him and felt that the longer she stayed the more she would begin to transfer substantial amounts of her heart’s energy to him as he grew in power and prestige—fueling his rise and progression. She feared she would become little more than a shell of herself…lost forever on the surface of his soul. Sadly she did not see the reality of the situation, that it was both of their hearts that were swelling in size as they transferred love and energy to each other and that one day they would merge and evolve into a significant union where they could attain so much more of their dreams than they ever could on their own.
Alta in her youthful naivety felt confused, unable to see the enormity of their situation. So, on a cold and icy eve in winter she made her decision to leave. She could not face Lawrence…she could not bear it. She knew if she did she would lose all reserve and be catapulted back into the dense inner core of his heart. So she burst out of their mutual orbit of affection and spiraled off out of control into the night. While Alta accelerated away from her love, Lawrence, blindsided and unaware of why she would do such a thing, became enraged. His heart threatened to supernova before his very eyes and something inside of him became rigid and unyielding. He began to buttress his tower and soon it became a fortress surrounding him and keeping his broken heart and shattered self locked away from all. Yet he still had the drive and thirst for power and success, but now without Alta’s love and influence, it became a cold calculated mission. He was ruthless in his drives and unrelenting and unforgiving with his passions. He left a trail of lesser minds, broken in the wake after him, as he moved onward. He was a man, unto himself, and vowed never to let anyone or anything hurt him like that again.
Alta spent long days after she fled, desperately trying to stop the decaying orbit that she soon found herself in with no strong partner to balance and equalize her unstable energy. She was bright and had an inner density to her own heart, but needed the gravitational force that was Lawrence. She sought out others to help her stabilize her fragile elliptical path and for a time she would regain a semblance of regularity of forward motion. She aspired to her own greatness and sought it out with quiet intensity. Yet as the years passed, she lived a life more as a comet than as a partner star—always rushing through the night sky on fire from one new idea or person to the next. At times she could almost forget him, with his fierce eyes that bored into her soul…and of how when she stood next to him, quietly, she could almost feel the very atoms of her body reaching out to merge with his in perfect symbiosis.
Many long years passed and these two old lovers both came and went through the days of life, each sharing space with other celestial bodies for a time, yet none could replace the intensity and power that they had known together long ago. At one point, Alta grew weary and gave up on ever finding another partner who could hold her steady and stable like Lawrence once did and Lawrence became bitter and withdrew his heart from the world—after leaving a stellar apocalyptic field filled with broken co-ed hearts behind him.
The chance for their unique union seemed to forever to be lost to them. Sad and broken, Alta and Lawrence’s very dense hearts were now losing mass and energy…leaking out the very life-force they had once shared, like sieves into the ether. Alta, ever perceptive, could sense their impending implosions into oblivion and how time was fleeting to them. Yet she also knew that there was little chance of ever finding her way back to Lawrence and worried that if she did he would turn her away cold into the night. She knew the dark pride that filled his heart as if it was her own. She knew he could turn and stand with his back to her with a resolute force that even she could not break down. Yet in her fragile heart she hoped…hoped beyond all reason, that he would forgive her and maybe even love her again.
So, she decided to seek him out. Heart in her throat, she tentatively returned to the University she so loved. Moving into their old building, where she had met him long ago and where they had began their own unique orbit of each other’s heart, she sought out his office. The dark and dusty hall looked exactly as she had last seen it. His office stood alone at the end of the hall with the frosted glass and his gilded name in black boldly announcing his particular corner of this world. She walked up to the door, barely able to breathe, her heart pulsating wildly—afraid she would die on the spot if he refused her. Her hand had a life of its own and knocked feebly on the old wood. She could hear him shift inside, clear his throat, and feel his annoyance at who would venture to disturb him at his craft. Yet she persisted. He only said “come” and she turned the brass knob-remarkable icy in her hot hand. He was standing looking out the window. His back still straight and his lean body still remarkably the same after so many years apart. Inside, her molten core threatened to pierce her icy outer layer of calm.
“Lawrence…” She barely whispered.
He turned fast like a cat and looked at her-his face unmoving and jagged like stone. She felt her own resolve begin to crumble and tears were already at the corner of her eyes. He did not smile or move towards her as she had hoped.
“I wondered when you would be back”…he said with no hint of emotion.
She could not bare it. To be this close to the man she loved and to feel the weight of her actions upon her heart was more pain than she had felt since the night she left. She was uncertain of what to say or if there was anything she could say to unfreeze his heart.
“I am sorry, more sorry than you will ever know.”
He said nothing and just turned and looked out the window. Endless minutes passed and still nothing. She slowly crept away down the long dark hallway and into the night—hot tears blinding her eyes and her heart in a million more pieces than it was before. While she did not die, inside she was destroyed and her dense inner core fenestrated with holes of loss. Days that felt like years passed and she felt numb. She could not eat and felt as if she was lost at sea with no hope of making landfall. She had become that shell that she had feared all those years ago. Yet she still had to walk through the world.
On the 21st day after she had gone to him she was passing by the park that they used to walk through on star-filled nights so many years ago and glanced up at the hill where they often had stood together. There alone in the shadows was a tall slender figure. Her heart leapt in her chest. His back was to her and she dared not hope. She just stood there looking at him. After what seemed like an eternity…yet was only seconds he turned. He looked directly at her and held out his hand. She smiled slowly and moved towards him fearlessly now, fully aware that they would spiral toward each other, moving faster and faster until they produced a crash so violent that the resulting explosion would be seen billions of light years away and she knew this was as it was supposed to be.
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